all the wrong reasons.

i have to admit one thing - i never should have gotten a dog.

but because i have and because i am a vocal lover of all species puppy, many people ask me what type of dog they should get once they start their search. they see all these cute, furry things walking around and think, "hey! i want me one of those."

around half of the time, my advice is this - you shouldn't own a dog.
and it's true, they shouldn't.

being a dog owner has made me realize just how fucking difficult being a dog owner is. there are moments that are incredibly rewarding, sure, but for much of the time it's just a bitch. i don't think people realize this (enough). owning a dog means making a lot of sacrifices. sacrifices that i, at 21 when i got bullet, was not prepared to make.

see, i was living with a wonderful roommate and was spending loads of time with other people who owned dogs. interacting with those dogs, in short intervals on weekends, made me realize that i truly loved being around pups and that, in a weird way, it calmed me and made me a happier person. it was summer though, and my life was pretty chill.

by the time november rolled around, however, everything seemed to shift. a relationship gone awry coupled with a first serious job out of college made me feel like an 88 ford taurus - beat to shit with no chance of recovery. since going out wasn't helping, i made the internet my best friend. i started looking around for dogs online. it put me in a good mood to see pictures of adorable, tiny, little, sad-eyed puppies just begging for my attention. and the pictures worked. a couple of days of online browsing and i was visiting animal shelters on the weekends, then on weekdays as well. when i stumbled upon bullet's story, i needed no hard sales pitch.

i was horribly lonely. a dog seemed like a simple solution for my problem.

bullet's momma was a breeding bitch for a dog fighting ring in st. louis. when the ring was broken up by animal police, most dogs were euthanized due to their exposure to violence and tendency to fight. the momma, luckily, exhibited very social behavior so the rescuing staff took her to a no kill shelter where she was sent to recover. somehow, mostly because no kill shelters are incredibly crowded with pitbulls, she ended being shipped to a no kill shelter in minneapolis where a staff person took her into her home on a farm 2 hours west of the city.

i heard this story from a woman who was used to seeing me at the animal humane society. at the end, she ended up telling me that the dog had, only two months prior, given birth to a litter of pups and that they were having a really hard time adopting them out. if the puppies were returned to the animal humane society they would be killed, she explained, given that they were fathered by fighting dogs and were at high risk of dog aggressive behavior.

feeling down and out, bummed out with a broken heart, i heard only one thing - puppies! shit luck puppies that needed someone to survive. needed me.

mid-december, five weeks after my break-up and a month after i first logged onto petfinder.com, i was driving west in a fierce midwestern snowstorm down back country roads i had never braved to take before. the two hour drive took five, but by the time i got to the farm, the tense moments spent gripping the steering wheel and driving 20 in a 50mph zone, anxious, were long behind me. within minutes i was greeted by a half a dozen of the most adorable pitbull puppies: licking, scratching, biting and yes, peeing.

i was first approached by bullet, the only brown pup in a bunch of white and light-brown spotted wiggly tails, and my first thought was, "this dog is waaaaaay too excitable for me." but a quarter of an hour in, she was pooped. she snuk into my lap, quietly settled in a round ball and closed her eyes. the second she started snoring, i just scooped her up, tucked her in my hoodie and zipped. the farm lady, standing in the doorway between the farmhouse and the garage, had the softest face that smiled big and wide when i stood up with bullet in my arms. she was a good woman, a bit too loving of animals perhaps, to have her house and garage taken over by a litter of wild puppies - peeing, pooping, and ripping to shreds anything in sight. i remember wondering if she was smiling because she was happy to see a bond between bullet and i, or if she was just pleased to have one less monster in the house.

the drive back took even longer than the drive there. it was nighttime and the roads turned from slush to ice and most of the way lacked any sort of light from above. it didn't matter though. my lonely heart had company, a 9 week old puppy snuggling in my hoodie, and she was more than just cute and furry and sweet-smelling. she was mine.

four and a half years later, i still look at that night as the best moment as a dog owner.

there are days that i wish, wish with all my might, that i didn't have a dog. i try to look back to that december night, but it often brings on just more regret. this is because i know something most people would never assume - i got a dog for all the wrong reasons. i suppose that's what's made me such an evangelist when it comes to telling people they shouldn't be dog owners.

so there it is.

at the same time, i do love the shit out of bullet. i couldn't imagine my life without her. we've been connected at the hip since she was 9 weeks old, and that's not going to change anytime soon. but if you are thinking of getting a dog, and i tell you you really shouldn't, please don't be offended. i just think you should think about it, once more, and really address why.